Mayor Ford says media way off on Coke allegations, he prefers water

May 29, 2013

As the allegations against Ourtown Mayor Freddy Ford continue to dominate headlines, The Daily Dad caught up with the mayor between meetings for this exclusive interview. Following is the transcript of Daily Dad’s conversation with the embattled mayor.

Daily Dad: Mr. Mayor. How are you? Can I get a minute?

Mayor: It’s fine. All fine. How is the family? Are you still doing the Africa thing, still going back and forth? I didn’t see you at our last barbecue.

Daily Dad: Yes, sir, still doing it. Back and forth. The family is fine. Thanks for asking. You know, a few little adjustments with the kids. They go through a lot with all the travel, but they’re pretty tough.

Mayor: Well, I’m glad for that. What can I do for you today?

Daily Dad: It’s the allegations, Mr. Mayor. On the Coke issue. And everything else. Your aids are leaving in droves. The allegations on your family’s drug past. There’s a lot happening.

Mayor: Look, the fine people of Ourtown know how to look through media manipulation of the facts and as far as I’m concerned it’s business as usual.

Daily Dad: In all respect, your previous denial of ever using Coke wasn’t very clear. Can you tell The Daily Dad definitively now? It might help everyone understand. Not if you think of yourself as an addict or not, but if you’ve  ever used Coke. Do you, in fact, need help?

Mayor: The truth of the matter is that I don’t drink any soft drinks of any kind.

Daily Dad: None? Ever?

Mayor: Well, come on, you’re a dad. I don’t know what you exactly give your kids to drink, but have you ever seen the science on that stuff? All that sodium nitrate and toxins and crap? Rats roll over dead when they’re given Coke. I just don’t get involved with it.  What’s over there to drink in Africa, anyway?

Daily Dad: Well, sure, there are soft drinks like Coke. And we have milk there, but some days it’s not fit to give to the cat. It’s good to be back home for the milk here, for sure. But, back to you, sir. You’ve never had a little Coke? Ever? What about this alleged video?

Mayor: Listen, the only thing I drink is water. I prefer water because it’s such a good cleanser for the liver. And that helps with regularity, you know what I mean? I drink a glass before each meal, which is also good because then I eat less. It’s just a great way to diet. I drink it during meetings too, and after my daily run, and then in the evening with my vitamins. I’ve been doing this for a long time, this formula, which is an easy way to get eight to ten glasses in every day. This is the real story, the one that nobody is bothering with.

Daily Dad: Mr. Mayor, what about the reports in the national media about your family’s well-known past with street drugs?

Mayor: Sure, this has all been hard on my family. We’re people. We have feelings. We’ve worked hard for Ourtown and this has really hit us hard. I won’t deny that. But something is really wrong, really, really, really wrong, when things fall to this level, when some internet gossip site can raise the kind of money it has from hard working people to buy a non-existent video with all that money going where? To drug dealers! Holy Cow, Dad, it’s all just a bit too much, don’t you think? I mean does anyone think drug dealers should be supported like this? And now my family’s supposed history?

Daily Dad: But what about this pot, even in the past. The whole country is now reading about it, the pot.

Mayor: Let me ask you something. Have you ever had any pot? I mean just a little? Have you ever had a little pot?

Daily Dad: Are you asking me, or admitting you’ve had a little pot yourself?

Mayor: I’m saying that I like flowers as much as the next guy. And I had a little pot once. It was a little black and brown and green pot. And I put an African violet – you can relate to African violets – in this pot and then I put it by the window and someone saw it. They liked the pot and wanted to buy the pot. It was in my younger years and I wasn’t the only one – sure there were friends and family and plenty of others involved. This sort of pot was good for all sorts of people who are into flowers, everyday people just wanting to brighten up their days a bit with something fresh in the home or office.

Daily Dad: Is this what you’re saying, that it was all a flower business?

Mayor: What I’m saying is that the media can’t be trusted anymore. It distorts all the facts, which is why we’re all, in fact, experiencing the implosion of the media as we know it. Nobody trusts the morning news for the weather anymore. Too many other places to get our facts, our truth, from. Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me the media always gets it right. Tell me that everyone loves you and that you’re all just in booming times these days.

Daily Dad: Well, sure, it’s pretty hard to keep on top of it all, all the tweeting and YouTubing on top of your regular work, and then keeping all those facts straight too. Newspapers are doing a lot more with a lot less. Sure. It’s not easy.

Mayor: How are you doing over there with it all, anyway?

Daily Dad: Well, we’re down to a staff of one now.

Mayor: Just one, eh? Don’t know you do it. Good for you, though. What about that old press? Are you still selling it?

Daily Dad: Maybe.

Mayor: Would you take five bucks?

Daily Dad: I was thinking twenty.

Mayor: Listen, Dad, my advice is this. Don’t get too excited about too much. Truth, like I was saying, isn’t what it once was. It’s like love, you know? It’s in the eye of the beholder. And if you want to, say, give your kids a bit of Coke, I personally won’t hold it against you. And neither would plenty of others. My preference is water. Someone else prefers Coke. I mean, what’s the big deal? What you do in the privacy of your personal life is just that: private and personal. If we can all agree on this, we’d all find things go a lot smoother. This is what you need to tell your readers. I hope this all helps clarify things. I do have to go now. Do say hello to the family. And keep that press for me. You know I love antiques.

Daily Dad: Yes, okay, thank you, Mr. Mayor.

(All characters in Ourtown and in this post are fictitious, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.)

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May 29, 2013 • Posted in
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